Mar 28
The Defense hereby begins by submitting, on the part of Adam, Eve, and Humanity at Large, a motion to suppress the apple as evidence in the case against the aforementioned parties, on the grounds that God’s request for Adam and Eve to refrain from eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil constituted extortion, given His placement of a serpent in the Garden of Eden, a serpent that He, omniscient and omnipotent by His own avowal, must have known would proceed to tempt Eve, leading, inevitably, to the consumption of the forbidden fruit in question….
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: On Behalf of Adam, Eve, and Humanity at Large.
March 28th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
By Order of the High Court of the Heavens, the defense motion(s) are hereby denied with the following findings:
1. While God knew that the serpant was present in the Garden, He gave Adam and Eve free will and therefore it was their own decision to disobey God and eat of the Tree of Knowledge; and
2. By Adam and Eve’s own admission, the dust present in the garden played no role in their decision to fashion clothing for themselves after they discovered themselves naked and
3. This Court, sua sponte, hereby imposes the following sanctions on the defense for attempting to mislead this court:
a. penance in the form of 10 rosaries to be said daily for ten days AND
b. an order to appear in the confessional before God and explain the attempts to mislead the court by altering, twisting and ignoring evidence previously submitted into the record.
IT IS SO ORDERED AND ADJUDGED this 28th day of March 2008
By: Suzie Quatro
March 28th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
and here it was that I thought Suzie Q was just a rockin’, guitar playin’, frontchick sensation.
motion denied by order of TLD signing statement #2498a sec.47 (and associated footnotes).