yeah I know it’s Thursday, the internets don’t work on a holiday.
“Do you see a lion waiting at the bottom of a water-park slide? Do not use the slide.
Even in the convivial atmosphere of a sophisticated international vacation destination, do not try to speak “lion.” Roars and grumbles are part of a complicated tonal language, and your efforts may result in unintended insults.”
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Summer Safety Tips: How to Avoid a Lion Attack by Kate Hahn.
Saw this performed in a small off Broadway theatre many years ago doubled with Vaclav Havel’s “Audience”.
by Nick Ripatrazone
“…made sure that nobody, not even the cleaning staff, was allowed to enter the room until the noxious stench had dissipated. Well, almost nobody…”
The Defense hereby begins by submitting, on the part of Adam, Eve, and Humanity at Large, a motion to suppress the apple as evidence in the case against the aforementioned parties, on the grounds that God’s request for Adam and Eve to refrain from eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil constituted extortion, given His placement of a serpent in the Garden of Eden, a serpent that He, omniscient and omnipotent by His own avowal, must have known would proceed to tempt Eve, leading, inevitably, to the consumption of the forbidden fruit in question….
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: On Behalf of Adam, Eve, and Humanity at Large.
“Roy Williams is soft. His hands look manicured. They have never pulled tobacco from the dirt. He has never gutted a fish fresh from the sea. Soldiers shoot soft men in the back rather than follow them into battle. Williams should look out. He should watch his back. But junior forward Tyler Hansbrough is a 2-ton bull in baby-blue shorts. When he broke his nose last year, he saw red. He charged. His horns went down and gored opposing players. I would fight with this man. I would die for him. If a bullet met him, I would cradle his head till he left this earth…”
“But I don’t want to go among mad people”
“You’re illegal, Zebra. You’re illegal. Shut the fuck up. I mean, do you want ‘Hanoi’ Hippo to win this thing? If he gets in, the vampire bats win.”
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Aesop’s Fables Teach Children the Art of Voter Suppression. BY ANDREW GOLDEN
Laugh, will you.
It’s that season again.
King challenged the decision, noting, “But what about your reputation for loving, unconditional forgiveness?”
“Truth be told, that’s been a bit overplayed in the New Testament. All that old school smotin’ and smitin’ just tossed right out the window. I’m no sadist, Larry. That stuff was supposed to be instructive. I never intended my son to be a landfill for your sins. The Bush crowd and its disciples have been using this as a get-out-of-jail-free card for far too long.
MediaBloodhound: The Wounded-Courier: God Visits Larry King, Revokes Charter Blessing America
#2)…On the 10-yard line, with time left for one more play and the score 27-24, Mohammed Ali Hammadi lines up to take the kick and send the game into overtime. As you dive to block the kick, you realize quarterback Ibrahim Salih Mohammed al-Yacoub has snatched up the ball and is running toward the end zone unchallenged. During his victory dance, al-Yacoub releases a deadly airborne virus.
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Other Ways the Terrorists Win. BY JUSTIN PAUL VILLEGAS
Richard Burton reads Dylan Thomas…
…and a rabbit or somthin’.
“This beautiful spot for VW features Richard Burton’s brooding delivery of Dylan Thomas’ Under Milk Wood. Agency is DDB, London. Directed Noam Murro.”
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